Category Archives for Mindset

This post is for you. 🙂

Because I have something to admit …

Right now one of my kids is really struggling with math.

And despite everything I’ve done, I can’t seem to find something that will work for this kid.

So I thought I’d make a short video to explain what I’m going to do. Hopefully, it will help.

Transcript

Hello, my name’s ToriAnn Perkey and from my homeschool to your homeschool, can I just be vulnerable for a minute and tell you something we're kind of struggling with in my homeschool right now?

You know I like to make these videos, and I talk about all the cool stuff we do and all the cool things we use and like to give you guys lots of resources and tips, but want you to know it is not all peaches and cream over here on my side of the fence. There are some times when we really, really struggle.

And right now we are really, really struggling with one of my kids and math. And this is not for lack of effort on this kid's part. This is not for lack of effort on my part. I have researched. I have looked for different options. We have tried different curriculum. We have tried playing games. We have tried, and this kid has reached a point in math where it's just getting hard.

It's way past abstract. it's way past just memorizing or doing the facts. Qnd it's really become abstract. And their brain is just not clicking with the abstract. And there are tears, and it's frustrating -- for me and for them. And you know, part of me just keeps saying, Hey, keep trying. We'll explain it another way.

But it's really affecting our homeschool because this kid is so frustrated and they want to give up and they wanted ...they're just done with math. And they're so, so frustrated. And I thought a lot about ... I've been thinking about it. I was like, Okay, well it's not okay to give up. Right?

So we've got to keep working. We've got to keep trying. But right now I'm trying to make the decision of whether or not we pull back and just pause and do other things, or whether I go searching for yet another solution for this kid who just does not seem to grasp these abstract mathematical concepts. Or do I hire a tutor or do I try to find a class that they can take?

I'm wrestling with all these questions. And the reason I wanted to make this video is I wanted to tell you guys that this is part of the process. It's not like you find,...I mean sometimes you find the perfect curriculum and you're off to the races and you're done.

But there's a lot of times where you don't always find the perfect thing. Or your kids -- you start out and it's working and then your kids change. They get older, you know, or you add a baby, or life just gets different. And when that happens or ... the material gets harder, right? Like it just gets harder. And suddenly what was fun isn't fun anymore. And I think that it can be really easy to get discouraged and think that you're doing something wrong when in fact you are living a homeschool life.

And homeschooling means that you are constantly in observation and problem-solving mode. And I'm always watching -- Is this working?

And if it's not working, what do I need to do? Do I need to just push? Do they need to work a little bit harder? Do I need to find a different resource? Do I need to approach it differently? Do I need to look at myself? Am I causing a problem? Like I'm looking at everything when I'm doing this.

And when I'm willing to take the time. And it doesn't always like solve all at once, right? Sometimes we don't get the answer right away. I don't get the answer right away. And for me it also includes prayer and it includes, you know, thinking and meditation and pondering and journaling sometimes. And I'm just, What is ... what's the next step?

And when you embrace that, that's part of the homeschooled journey. When you embrace that, you shift to a different mindset about homeschooling. It's no longer about are we doing it right, but are we doing it so that it works right now?

So I wanted to tell you guys that. I wanted to tell you guys that even though there's this situation with this kid and in the moment we're frustrated and it's hard, I'm not giving up. I'm not going to let them give up. We might take a break, but we're going to figure it out. We are going to figure it out because I've seen that happen over and over again.

If we figure ... if we take our time, if we're thoughtful, if I look -- answers show up. The right people show up. The right resources show up. Things happen and line up and I'm open to all the possibilities. I don't shut anything down because I want to make sure that I'm finding the one that's going to be the right one.

And I'm not talking about like I'm spending hours and hours and hours researching curriculum every night. I mean I am doing some research because I'm looking for something new, and I'm asking people questions and all of that. I'm just talking about taking the time to let the idea percolate and work in my brain and to pause to hear answers.

And so yeah guys, it's not all a walk in the park and sometimes things are kind of rough. And I'm not giving up and I don't want you to give up because I promise you're going to find an answer. You will find an answer that works for you and your kid if you stay in problem-solving, answer-finding mode. Because that's what this is all about.

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But underneath, I felt like I was drowning.

Almost daily, I would feel the weight of everything that I was trying to do (especially when it was time to fix dinner), and I would start to feel the tightening in my chest.

Too much. Too much.

My brain would start to shut down.

Same went when I was trying to find a new curriculum or homeschool solution.

I would see all the options, and overwhelm would wash over me.

But then I learned one simple trick that has RADICALLY shifted things when I start to feel this way.

It’s so easy .. so simple … and ANYONE can do it.

Transcript

Hey guys, ToriAnn Perkey here! From my homeschool to your homeschool, let's talk about overwhelmed. Do you feel overwhelmed in your homeschool sometimes?

I know I do.

It is totally normal sometimes to look at everything you have to do and all the responsibility you've taken on and to feel a little overwhelmed. There are books to choose and assignments to give. And there is the house to run, and there are kids to be nurtured.

And all of that is sitting on your shoulders, and you're thinking, “I have taken this on. I'm in charge of raising these little people into big people who are going to be successful, and capable, and contributing members of society that are happy.”

That's a lot. That's a lot, you guys, and it's so normal to sometimes want to climb in your closet and eat your Ben & Jerry's and hide. And I have sometimes been guilty of needing more than one shower in a day just so that I can tune out my children for a while. I totally get it.

The thing I want to teach you today is not something that's going to make everything better. I totally get that there's a lot going on in your life and there are so many things you have to figure out. But I also know that overwhelm does come more or less based on the way you're thinking.

Your mind is this amazing, amazing tool, and if you think you can't handle everything in your life, the brain starts to say, “I must save you. I must save you.” So what it does is it starts to scoop up and send out all those hormones that make you start to feel anxious and depressed because those are the things that will keep you safe. It pushes away all of the bad stuff, and it keeps your body safe because your brain's #1 job is to keep you alive.

So, if you're feeling like there's too much, your brain's going to start doing stuff to keep you alive. But you don't like those feelings because those feelings keep you from doing the very things that will help you - they keep you from problem solving, they keep you from moving forward.

So, when you start to feel overwhelmed, the simple trick that I've started to use that I love is I can actually rewrite the way I'm perceiving the things around me.

Now, it doesn't actually change anything, but it changes how I interact with them, and that is huge because if I believe that I have more power and control over the things that are all around me -- not like being a dictator control where I can suddenly force my children to do things -- but if I believe that I can control and change through problem-solving my environment, then I start to calm down. I start to feel more capable. I start to feel more confident. And this trick has made all the difference.

This is one that I use all the time. Sometimes I use it multiple times a day. So, here it is.  Any time I'm feeling overwhelmed and the thoughts are rushing at me and I'm like, “I don't know if I can do all this,” I say three simple phrases: This is simple. This is easy. This is fun. This is simple, this is easy, this is fun. I chant it over and over and over again. This is simple. This is easy. This is fun. This is simple. This is easy. This is fun.

So, if I'm looking at 15 different options for curriculum for a spelling curriculum, for example, I'm like, “You got to teach spelling, and I got to figure that out, and oh my gosh ... I think, “This is simple. This is easy. This is fun. This is simple. This is easy. This is fun.” And my brain goes, “Oh, this is simple. This is easy. This is fun.” And I can calm down, and I can start to think.

If it's 4:30 pm, and I haven't figured dinner -- or it's 5 o'clock or 6 o'clock, and I haven't figured out dinner -- and I'm thinking, “What I'm going to feed my family? What I'm going to feed my family?” And I start to feel that anxiety build -- This is simple. This is easy. This is fun. This is simple. This is easy. This is fun. And as I say that, my brain calms down. The chemicals in my brain start to dissipate, and I think, “I can do this. This is simple, this is easy, this is fun.”

Say it with me -- This is simple. This is easy. This is fun. Don't you see? When you tell your brain how you want something to be, it becomes a reality for your brain. I know it's kind of crazy, but it works. It's worked in my life over and over and over again.

It's a simple trick that I use whenever I started to feel overwhelmed, and it has radically taken the overwhelm out of my homeschool and put me in a place of peaceful, calm problem solving. Wahoo! Which is what we all want, right? This is simple. This is easy. This is fun. Awesome.

I'm ToriAnn Perkey, and from my homeschool to your homeschool, I make these videos every single week so that you can be a super successful and confident homeschool mom.

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But no longer! I know what to do to stop thoughts like this before they completely derail my homeschool.

So if you’ve ever thought -- or are thinking right now -- that you’re failing your kids, this video is for you!

Transcript

Hey guys! ToriAnn Perkey here!  From my homeschool to your homeschool, do you ever worry that you're failing your kids?

Do you ever worry like you sit up in the middle of the night and you think, “I'm destroying my children?” It's totally normal to think that. I wish I had a dollar for every time the thought “I think I'm failing my kids” has gone through my mind. And it usually happens when your kid isn't reading when you think they should be reading. Or when they've gotten really upset when you've given them assignment, and they've stormed off to their room, and you think, “That's it. This isn't working. I'm totally failing.”

Or when you hear how somebody's gotten their kids into college at 13, and kid after kid after kid is doing that. Or this kid's going to school and this amazing thing. Or they just built a rocket in their backyard, and your kid's fiddling with popsicle sticks, and you think, “I'm failing my kids. Where are the homeschool kids that are doing all these amazing things and giving TED Talks and changing the world, and my kids don't even want to do a lemonade stand?”

Yeah, it is so easy to think, “I'm failing my kids,” and I've been there. But I want to tell you there's something I do whenever this thought flits into my mind that has really, really helped me. So, I'm hoping that it will help you. 

If you ever think, “Oh, I'm failing my kids,” I want you to remember they aren't your kids as an accident. They didn't just come to you because the stork randomly picked your house and dropped your kid off on your front porch. You have your kids for a reason, and you're homeschooling your kids because you felt that this was the best choice for your kids.

You are the kind of mom who cares about your kids, and they didn't come to you by accident. They came to you on purpose. They are with you for a reason. And if they are with you, then you aren't failing them. You are trying. You are trying hard. And you're getting up every day and trying again. Mom, that is what matters. It matters that you show up bit by bit.

The kids that we get, the package we get, the difficulties that we work with -- it's all part of what was supposed to happen. And when we put all those pieces together, and we put the kids and us and homeschooling in the mix, there are days that don't go well.  There are things that don't go well. But when I remember ... when I remember ... that they're mine for a reason -- they're mine because the Lord knew that I was going to take care of them -- that I was going to look for answers -- that I was going to figure out what was best for them -- then I feel just a little bit better, because I know that tomorrow I'll keep looking for answers. I'll be asking questions on Facebook. I'll be reading books. I'll be watching videos. I won't quit until I find what's best for my kid, and I've seen that over and over and over again.

When I talk to you in the park -- when I talk to you at a school event -- when we're all gathered together, I've talked to you at a field trip ... what I find over and over again is you love your kids, and you are trying so hard to find what's best for them. And that tells me that you are not failing them. You are awesome.

So, the next time that little scary thought flits into your brain, I want you to say, “No, I am not failing my kids because I am finding answers. I'm finding answers. I may not find them right away, but I'm finding them.” And I tell myself that a lot because I'm always looking for answers. I'm always solving problems. I'm a homeschool mom, and so are you.

I'm ToriAnn Perkey, and I make these videos every week so that you can be a super successful and confident homeschool mom.

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But then I caught myself.

And I instantly knew how to turn myself around before I spiraled into the abyss of despair.

And that’s what I want to teach you in my video today.

Transcript

Hello, my name's ToriAnn Perkey, and from my homeschool to your homeschool -- Are you secretly sabotaging your homeschool? I know, I know, you're doing your best. You're trying your hardest -- feels like you are doing everything you can. And yet it doesn't seem like everything's going like you wanted to.

You look around, and you think, “This is a train wreck.” Well, let me tell you, there might be something you're doing that is secretly sabotaging your desire to have a successful homeschool, and you don't even realize it.

So, let me ask you a question. Do you ever get on social media -- Pinterest, Facebook, Instagram -- and scrolling through your feed, you find yourself thinking, “Oh, I'm failing?” Or, “Oh, I could never do a homeschool activity like that.”  Or, “Why do her kids want to read and mine just want to play with their Pokémon cards or their Barbies?”

Do you ever find yourself comparing ... comparing that these homeschool moms look amazing? That everything's happy. That everything's going well, and you aren't? Do you ever watch my videos and think, “Oh my gosh, she totally has it all together? What's wrong with me?”

Newsflash! I do not have it all together. I promise, I promise, I promise no homeschool mom does! But we all fall into this trap of comparing. Now, I want to ask ... is there ever a time where you're also scrolling through your feed, and you see something and you're like, “Ah, that's a great idea, I want to try that?” Or, “Oh my goodness, I'm so glad that her 10 year old just started reading. I feel like we're going to make it.”  Or, “Oh my goodness, they are traveling, and their kids are with them, and they're doing all these cool exciting things. We could do that too!”

Why is it that sometimes we look at Facebook and social media across the board, and we get jealous, and other times, we get inspired? Well, I want to tell you what the distinction is because understanding this will help you stop sabotaging your homeschool by comparing yourself with all of the other things going on around you.

The distinction is this -- It's all going on inside your head. You're looking at the same feed. You're looking at the same stories as everybody else, and there's not a whole lot of difference in the stories or the person who's sharing it. It's how you interpret the stories.

If you look at a story or a picture or you hear someone talking in the park or at a co-op or anything like, and they start telling you something or you see something and you think, “Oh, I could never do that,” then you start to get jealous. Jealousy comes from when you think it's impossible for you to reach that thing that you're seeing.

But if you see something and you are inspired, it's because inside your head you think, “I could totally do that. I could do that if we did this and this or if I learned how to do this.” Or, “Oh, we're already so close to that. I just have to tweak this.”

That's why some people can look at a really cool craft for a homeschooler and be jealous because they're like, “Oh, I could never do crafts or my kids will never do crafts.” And other moms can look at the exact same craft and go, “Ah, that's so cute. We should totally do that tomorrow.”

It has to do with whether or not the mom feels like it's hopeless or something totally doable.  That's the difference. And you're sabotaging your homeschool if you are looking at things in a mindset of “That's impossible. It would never work for me” because it turns all your insides into this yucky, negative place where you feel bad about yourself because you're not doing certain things.

And I'm here to tell you nobody does everything on the internet in their homeschool. I don't do 99 percent of the things that you see on the internet in my homeschool, and I have a successful homeschool.

Successful homeschools do not come from the kinds of activities that you do -- whether it's a specific curriculum or a specific book or a specific philosophy. That's not what makes a confident, successful homeschool. What makes you have a successful homeschool is when you feel good about what you're doing, when you feel confident.

And if there's something that isn't working, you go solve it. When you're inspired to move forward. When you see ideas and they inspire you to come up with your own ideas. That's the difference. That's the difference between a sabotaged homeschool and a successful homeschool … it’s how you're thinking about it in your mind, not what you're actually doing.

So, if you catch yourself feeling jealous, stop and think, “Do I want to do that? Do I really want that?” Because if you don't want that, then stop being jealous because you don't want to do it in the first place. If you do want to do it, then shift into, “Well, how could I make that happen? How?”

The minute we open the door that it's possible is the minute that our life can start to change, and we can start to move into a learning, growing, changing place. And that is the essence of being confident -- is knowing that you can figure things out.

So, I want to encourage you. Encourage you to be paying attention when you're flipping through your feed or you're listening at the park -- how you're interpreting the things around you.

Are you jealous and maybe sabotaging and don't even know it, or are you inspired? And the really cool thing is the next time this happens, you can decide whether you're going to be jealous or be inspired. It's really that easy.

I'm ToriAnn Perkey, and from my homeschool to your homeschool, I bring you these videos every week to help you be a successful, confident homeschool mom.

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This was LONG before I knew the arguments about socialization and the benefits of homeschooling.

All I knew is that the homeschooled kids I’d known in high school were weird. So I assumed ALL homeschooled kids were weird.

Her answer is something I’ll NEVER forget.

It stayed with me when we decided to homeschool.

And now, it’s the answer I give every single time someone asks me the question.

It’s based on one simple question you can ask yourself … and depending on your answer determines whether your kids will be weird.

Watch the video to find out more ...

Transcript

Hey guys! ToriAnn Perkey here! From my homeschool to your homeschool. I've got a question for you.

Are you ever worried that your kids are gonna turn weird?

Or do you ever sense that the people around you who aren't so sure about you homeschooling? Thinking your kids are gonna turn out weird?

Yeah, it seems to be kind of this prevalent thing that kind of surfaces over and over again in the homeschool community. Either because we're bringing it up or because we're hearing questions about it.

So today, I want to peel back the curtain just a little bit. Talk about where the question comes from. Whether or not your kids are actually going to be weird. And how you can know right now whether or not they're gonna be weird or not. And what you can do about it if you're thinking that they might be weird.

Okay so first of all, where does this question come from? I think it comes from the fact that our generation. So my generation, I graduated from high school in 1995. And I only knew one or two homeschoolers in my high school. They would come to highs school part-time and they would stay home. I knew someone else who'd been homeschooled and they were weird. Like they didn't fit in. They were awkward socially, they had different ideas about education. They didn't seem "normal".

So when I was thinking about homeschooling over and over again, I kept referencing those examples and I kept thinking yeah, homeschool kids are weird. No way I want my kids to be like that. But there are lots of reasons why I started homeschooling and the more I got to know other homeschoolers, I realized we run the gamut of weirdness to not weirdness. And frankly, I fall way far I think kind of on the weird corky side way more than the normal side. We're gonna talk about that in just a minute.

But what I started to realize is that the reason kids are weird has nothing to do with whether they're homeschooled or not. Instead, it has everything to do with whether their parents are weird. What kind of family are they being raised in?

I mean think about it. There are super normal kids who homeschool. And if you look at their parents, they're super normal. They're like picture-perfect, come out of magazine. Everybody looks great and put together normal.

And then there are other homeschoolers I meet who really seem pretty weird. Like totally different than the norm. Let's define weird as not necessarily odd or yucky but just different. And then I look at their parents and guess what, their parents are different. They're different than the norm. They have different attitudes about things, they're interested in different things, and they socially interact in maybe some different kind of ways.

So if you want to know whether your kids are gonna be weird, you have to look at you.

If you're weird, your kids are gonna be weird. If you're not weird, your kids aren't going to be weird. And to just reinforce this, I want you to think back to your school experience. Were there kids in your school who were "weird"? Yeah. My public high school had lots of kids who were weird. And lots of kids who were normal and lots of kids who were lots of different things. And I'm guessing that if I went and met their parents, and I met a lot of parents, their parents were a lot like them.

So the reality is our culture is not how you choose to educate your child. It's actually how you choose to live your life as a family that determines whether your kids are gonna be weird or not. So what do you want to do about that? 

Well, if you are worried about your kids being able to interact effectively in society. If you're worried about your kids being "weird", then it's time to look at how can you change the culture in your family? How can you talk differently? How can you act differently? Can you be engaged in different things?

But I'm here to tell you that it's probably a good thing. Because once your kids get out into society, there's room for everybody. And kids who are different who think differently and act differently and move differently through the world are the ones who change the world.

And if you're a family that's chosen to homeschool, well maybe the word we should use instead is you're gonna be a little peculiar. You're gonna be called peculiar because you've moved outside of the norm. And isn't that what weird is? Is being outside of the norm? Don't you want to be outside of the norm if you're homeschooling? Well, yeah.

So yes, we want our kids to be able to interact socially. Yes, we want them to be able to interview for a job and get a job or just start a business. Yes, we want them to be able to go a party and have friends. Absolutely! But I want to embrace the fact that we're kinda quirky over here at the Perkey house. We're kinda peculiar. And not just because we homeschool, because that's what makes us Perkey's. And I kinda like that.

So rather than pushing it away, I'm gonna embrace the fact that we're kinda weird. And kinda peculiar and kinda different. And that's okay. And I hope that you can embrace what makes you different and unique and exciting and amazing. Because when we all come together in this beautiful planet, it's pretty awesome.

I'm ToriAnn Perkey, and I bring you these videos every week to help you be a confident, successful homeschool mom.

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And knowing how to ANSWER that question can feel a little tricky!

Today I'm sharing the answer I've developed over the last 14 years that seems to work every single time.

Learn this, and you'll never feel awkward answering the socialization question again!

Want to read instead of watch? Scroll to read a transcript of this video.

Transcript

Hey guys! ToriAnn here! And from my homeschool to your homeschool, I’ve got a question for you. Have you ever heard someone ask you, “So what about socialization?”

You’re in the grocery store or maybe you’re at a family event and someone’s going to ask you how you’re going to socialize your kids.

Do you know how you’re gonna answer that question?

Or do you start to get all squidgy and squealy inside and feel all rumbly cause you don’t know what to say.

And behind that question, you can hear the real question which is, “Are you gonna destroy your kids?”

Yeah. So I used to get this question all the time. My in-laws would ask it. My parents would ask it. My siblings asked it. I would hear it in a church. I would hear it at the store. What are you gonna do about socialization?

And I got the question so much that I decided I was gonna come up with an answer that was going to work every single time. Because I was tired of fumbling around it and trying to come up with something that didn’t really feel like it satisfied them and usually took us down the rabbit hole of a whole bunch of other questions that didn’t really make a lot of sense and made the whole conversation harder. And it made it sound like I didn’t really know what I was doing with my homeschooling -- which is never a good idea.

So I came up with the answer to the “socialization” question, and ever since then, every time I use this, the answer just puts everything to rest. I can feel everyone I’m talking to take a deep breath. And I don’t get lots of follow up questions that aren’t just interested. They’re not critical questions, they’re, “Oh tell me more about that.”

So are you dying to know what this is?

Okay, so here’s the answer to the question. When someone comes up to me or we’re in a conversation and they say, “So what about socialization?” this is what I say --

“Well, you know, I treat socialization just like any other subject. I’m the facilitator of my kids’ education and development. Which means that I make sure that they get lots of socialization opportunities, and they’re getting educated in how to interact with human beings whether they’re adults or kids in a really great way.”

That’s the answer.

That you are creating opportunities and that you’re treating it like a subject, like any other subject.

And then if I feel like it, I follow up with something like this. “And besides, there are so many opportunities for homeschoolers to socialize with kids their age that if we wanted to, we could be gone every single day of the week and never be home and actually educate. But we don’t do that. So we just pick and choose. But my kids get so many opportunities to interact with other people. Yeah, they get tons of socialization.”

Between those two answers, it pretty much puts all the fears to rest.

And that’s how I want to end this little video. Remember that when people are asking you questions, they’re coming from one of two places.

They’re either curious. Which means you don’t need to feel defensive because they really are just curious and they wanna know what’s going on. And they’re learning more about homeschooling and they’re trying to figure out how it works and they figure you’re a good source of information because you are homeschooling or you’re thinking about it or you’re just getting started.

Or they’re worried. They’re worried that these kids that they care about, either because they’re in your neighborhood or they’re a neighbor or they’re a friend or maybe they’re a family member. You know grandmas and grandpas, they worry. They wanna make sure the kids are gonna be okay. That’s what they’re really asking.

So when you have an answer that’s confident and when you have an answer that’s clear that you’re in charge and you have a plan, it calms everybody down. And when everybody’s calm, the conversation gets a lot easier.

Alright, I'm ToriAnn Perkey, and I bring you these videos every week so that you can feel like a confident, successful homeschooler.

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